Bosses

At work today, I was washing sheets for students moving into the dorm. One of them yelled at me. "Those need to be crisp!" he shouted. He's 19. I'm 34. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was feeling extraoridinarily woozy. I took a five minute break, and when I came back, my boss handed me a drink. "It'll help," he said. I thought it was medicine. Who knew they even allowed Whiskey at work? I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, we were supposed to wear "formal" black jeans. Mine were dirty, so I wore khakis. My boss actually scolded me for looking like "a snob." Dockers are for snobs at my job. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was still recovering from a Saturday night out. I was resting my head on a shopping cart when my boss tapped my shoulder. "Listen," he said, "if I were you, I'd take some Xanax." I almost took him up on it. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I asked my boss if I could have Christmas Eve off. He asked for "more advance notice." Is three months really not enough notice? What a Scrooge. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I had the honor of cleaning up the bathroom in our roller rink. I brought a lot of soap. Turns out roller skates make way too many people sick to their stomach. I smell like vomit. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, the nervous temp kept hovering over me asking questions. Later, I saw my boss by the bathroom. "By the way," he said, "leave the temp alone." I was dumbfounded. I'm dumbemployed.

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At work today,I was understandably nervous about a meeting with our division chief. We met over coffee. He spent the entire time talking about his golf game. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was going through the file cabinet when my boss yelled at me. I jumped. The file cabinet above my head was open. It'll take three stitches to fix. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I hoped to create some synergies between myself and the free donuts out front. It was a good plan. But turns out my boss is a better worker than me- he already ate all of them. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my supervisor called me in for a "friendly discussion." That meant what it usually means- I spent twenty minutes listening to her complain about her kid. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I smelled a weird paint odor all around the restaurant. I asked my boss- he said it was normal and just part of the job. Not for a breakfast joint, it isn't. I'm dumbemployed.