At work today, a customer wanted to buy a hot plate for his dorm. I asked him if that was illegal. "Yeah," he said. "But the things I do with the hot plate are even worse." I didn't ask any more questions. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, one of the guys alone at the bar was harassing girls. I told him to cool it. He said he'd give me a big tip if I got him laid. I told him I'd need enough money to buy him a hooker, because that was the only way I could do it. He actually thought about it. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my boss decided that a "strapping" bike messenger like me could carry an extra thirty pounds on his back. Now I'm going to go to the chiropractor and try to fix myself. I'll probably spend the whole month's wages. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my boss challenged me to play him in a Facebook "Mafia" game. I thought those things were for kids. Now I'm required to be part of my boss's mob- or else. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was watering the office plants when I looked inside the dirt pot. I found a keyring, a piece of gum, an empty Mountain Dew bottle, and a business card inside. It was my business card. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I had to label a thousand samples. Literally, a thousand. For some reason, sales representatives can't match a picture in a catalogue with an actual shoe. These are the people selling it, and they don't know what it looks like. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my crush came in and said that she was swamped and really needed my help balancing spreadsheets. I envisioned a long night together and agreed to help. "Thanks!" she said. "See you later!" I'm still working on it, alone. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was already auditioning department store Santas. This year's crop was decent, but the beards aren't in yet. That's why I had to make a paper model beard and hold it up to all their faces. It took hours. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was put in charge of landscaping our front area. Not the best idea. My degree is in cosmetology. Not..uh...landscapology. I can't put makeup on a plant. Or can I? I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, even the pigeons seemed like they were a little lazy. Normally, they peck at the bread I throw on the ground furiously. Today? They lay there waiting for me to throw the pieces again, but closer. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I planned on telling every customer what I really thought of all the clothes they tried on. That wasn't the best idea. Here's a tip- don't tell a millionaire's wife a dress isn't good for her thighs. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I gave a customer advice on his investment portfolio. "Sell!" he shouted at me. "Sir," I said patiently, "you have to buy something first." I'm dumbemployed.